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"WELL, DIDN'T SHE ASK YOU TO STOP BY?" HIS SISTER INQUIRED, "MAYBE, SHE JUST HAS SOMETHING OF YOURS SHE NEEDS TO GIVE BACK?" ALWAYS THE OPTIMIST, IT WAS ALMOST LAUGHABLE.
"YEAH, MAYBE THAT'S IT." SLIGHTLY DISGRUNTLED, JAMES PLANTED A SOFT KISS TO HER CHEEK BEFORE SAYING HIS GOODBYES TO THE REST OF THE BROOD. HE HAD ONLY BEEN IN LONDON FOR A FEW DAYS THEN, AND AS MUCH AS HE LOVED HIS HOME, THIS VISIT FELT LIKE IT SHOULD'VE BEEN OVER BEFORE IT STARTED.
PRIOR TO SLIPPING INTO HIS CAR, HE SENT A TEXT TO HIS WIFE, LETTING HER KNOW HE'D BE COMING AROUND IN ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES AND TO HAVE THE KETTLE ON. NOT THAT HIS TEA WOULD REMAIN WITHOUT SOME WHISKEY POURED IN FROM HIS FLASK, BUT THAT WASN'T SOMETHING HE WAS GOING TO LET ON ABOUT. THE LAST THING THE TWO OF THEM NEEDED TO DISCUSS WAS HIS DRINKING. WHAT SHE CALLED A PROBLEM, HE CALLED RELIEF, AND THE BICKERING NORMALLY CONTINUED UNTIL ONE OF THEM LEFT IN A HUFF.
THIS TIME, JAMES HOPED, IT WOULD BE DIFFERENT. HE HADN'T SEEN HER IN ABOUT A YEAR, THOUGH THEY SPOKE EVERY SO OFTEN ON THE PHONE, BUT AS FAR AS HE KNEW SHE WAS DOING HER OWN THING. SHE WAS DATING AGAIN, A MAN NAMED STEPHEN. HE WASN'T A FAN, BUT HE WASN'T ENTIRELY OBJECTIVE EITHER. REGARDLESS, IT WASN'T REALLY ANY OF HIS BUSINESS ANYMORE. JUST BECAUSE THE DIVORCE PAPERS WEREN'T SIGNED, DIDN'T MEAN EITHER OF THEM HADN'T LET GO OF ONE ANOTHER. AT LEAST NOT ENOUGH TO MOVE ON.
IT WAS A BIT UNSETTLING FOR JAMES TO PULL UP IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE THE TWO OF THEM USED TO SHARE. WHEN THINGS WERE GOOD BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM, THEIR HOME WAS AN OASIS. JAMES NEVER WANTED TO LEAVE THE BED; HE HAD ALWAYS WISHED FOR THE TWO OF THEM TO JUST BE ABLE TO STAY BENEATH THE SHEETS, WRAPPED UP IN ONE ANOTHER WHILE THE WORLD OUTSIDE CAME TO A SCREECHING HALT. BUT JAMES, AS ALWAYS, RUINED MOST EVERYTHING HE TOUCHED.
JAMES APPROACHED THE DOOR IN TREPIDATION. HE WASN'T SURE WHAT ANY OF THIS WOULD BE ABOUT AND PART OF HIM WANTED TURN ON HIS HEEL AND GET THE HELL OUT OF DODGE. THE OTHER PART OF HIM, WELL, THAT PART WANTED TO BE A HAPPILY MARRIED MAN AGAIN. THAT LIGHT WASN'T AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL, HE WAS SURE OF. AFTER HE KNOCKED, HE TOOK A STEP BACK, A HEAVY SIGH LIFTING FROM HIS CHEST JUST AS PIFFY OPENED THE DOOR.
"I DIDN'T EXPECT YOU SO SOON," SHE SAID, NOTING THAT HE WAS THERE BEFORE THE TIME HE HAD GIVEN HER.
"WELL, I WAS KEEN TO GET HERE," AND GET THIS OVER WITH, AND HE STEPPED INSIDE WITHOUT SO MUCH AS AN INVITATION.
"THE KETTLE ISN'T ON YET, BUT I CAN PUT IT ON NOW IF YOU'D LIKE?"
"NO, NO THANK YOU. IT'S ALL RIGHT. SO, YOU WANTED TO TALK?" WHY FUSS AROUND WITH THE SMALL TALK? HIS HANDS WERE FIDGETING WITH THE KEYS INSIDE THE POCKET OF HIS WOOL COAT.
"I JUST," PIFFY PAUSED, HER HEAD TILTING TO THE SIDE AS SHE EXAMINED HIM, "I JUST WANTED TO SEE YOU AGAIN."
WELL, THAT WAS NEWS TO JAMES, BUT NOTHING HE'D COMPLAIN ABOUT. THOUGH HE KEPT HIMSELF HUSH, HE COULDN'T DENY THE FACT THAT SHE WAS A SIGHT FOR SORE EYES. SHE HAD SUCH AN AIR ABOUT HER; SO YOUNG AND SO BEAUTIFUL. SHE WAS ALWAYS SO LIVELY, AT LEAST WHEN HE HAD FIRST MET HER. BUT THEIR MARRIAGE CHANGED THEM INTO PEOPLE THEY HARDLY RECOGNIZED WITHIN THEMSELVES. EVEN IF PIFFY DIDN'T WANT TO ADMIT IT SO OPENLY, HE COULD SENSE THE DAMAGE HE HAD DONE.
"IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU, TOO, PIFF." JAMES OFFERED HER A WARM GRIN AND SHRUGGED OFF HIS JACKET. HE WASN'T INTENDING ON A LONG VISIT, BUT HE COULD AT LEAST MAKE HIMSELF AT HOME FOR A BIT, CONSIDERING IT WAS ONCE HIS HOME AS WELL.
"JAMES, I'M SORRY FOR HOW --" BEFORE SHE COULD FINISH, JAMES HAD CLOSED THE GAP BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM AND SILENCED HER WITH A SOFT PRESS OF HIS LIPS TO HERS.
ONE ARM SNAKED AROUND HER WAIST WHILE THE OTHER SCOOPED HER UP FROM BENEATH HER LEGS, HIS BACK ARCHING SLIGHTLY TO ACCOMMODATE FOR THE ADDITIONAL WEIGHT AND HE CARRIED HER DOWN THE HALL TOWARD THEIR OLD BEDROOM.
EVEN ON A NON-STOP FLIGHT, A TRIP FROM BOSTON TO LONDON WAS TIRESOME, BUT THE JET-LAG ACCOMPANYING THE 6 AND A HALF HOUR FLIGHT HAD JAMES SLUMPED OVER AND DRAGGING ON AS IF HE WERE A ZOMBIE. DESPITE IT BEING HIS HOME, LONDON LEFT SOMETHING TO BE DESIRED AS HE BATTLED OTHER HOMECOMERS AND TOURISTS FOR A CAB AND WHEN HE WERE FINALLY ABLE TO CATCH ONE, THE DRIVER WAS EVEN MORE MISERABLE THAN THE ONES HE FOUND IN THE BUSTLING STREETS OF BOSTON. FROM THIS, JAMES KNEW THAT THIS TRIP HOME WAS GOING TO COME AT A COST, AND THAT COST MAY VERY WELL BE HIS SANITY.
GIVEN THE ABRUPT STATE OF HIS TRIP, JAMES HAD TO TAKE TIME OFF FROM TEACHING AT BOSTON COLLEGE. HIS BOSS, WHILE NOT SO HAPPY, UNDERSTOOD THAT FAMILY MATTERS WERE IMPORTANT AND GAVE HIM A MERE WARNING TO TRY AND GIVE MORE NOTICE BEFORE SUBJECTING HIS TEACHING ASSISTANT TO A CLASS THAT WAS BARELY OFF THE GROUND. JAMES WAS GLAD FOR THE WARNING AND FELT POORLY ABOUT LEAVING HIS T.A. TO DO HIS WORK, BUT HE KNEW THE SYLLABUS AND WHAT TO DO, AND HE WAS SURE THAT HE WAS MORE THAN CAPABLE OF HANDLING THE CLASS. AFTER ALL, THIS IS WHAT HE SIGNED UP FOR, WASN'T IT?
BEING IN THE CITY A LITTLE LESS THAN 24 HOURS NOW, JAMES HAD SEEN ALL OF THREE PLACES: HIS HOTEL ROOM, THE HOTEL BAR, AND THE PIE SHOP DOWN THE STREET. IF THERE WERE ONE THING JAMES WISHED WOULD TAKE OFF IN THE STATES, IT WAS THE UPRISING OF PIE AND MASH SHOPS, AS FREQUENT AS STARBUCKS OR A DUNKIN DONUTS. THERE WAS NOTHING MORE SATISFYING, MORE BRITISH TO HIM, THAN DEVOURING A FULL PLATE OF MEAT PIES AND MASHED POTATOES, COVERED IN A LIQUOR THAT WAS MOUTH WATERING DELICIOUS.
BUT, HE DIDN'T COME HOME FOR A TASTE OF THEIR DELICACIES. PIFFY HAD CALLED HIM AND TOLD HIM IT WAS URGENT. NORMALLY, HE'D JUST SUGGEST FACETIMING, OR JUST DISCUSSING WHATEVER IT WAS ON THE PHONE, BUT HEARING THE RAW DESPERATION IN HER VOICE WAS ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BOOK A TICKET HOME.
HE HAD HAILED A CAB, WITH BETTER LUCK THAN WHEN HE MADE THE SAME ATTEMPT AT THE AIRPORT, AND WAS WELL ON HIS WAY TOWARD HIS PREVIOUS HOME. HIS STOMACH WAS UNSETTLED, NOT SURE IF IT WERE FROM THE RARITY OF THE PIE AND MASH OR IT WERE SIMPLY FROM NERVES, BUT HE CRADLED IT ALL THE SAME AS HE SAT SLUMPED IN THE BACK SEAT, WATCHING THE BLUR OF THE CITY WHIZ BY HIS RAIN SCATTERED WINDOW.
WHY DID SHE HAVE TO SEE HIM IN PERSON? SHE COULD'VE SENT THE DIVORCE PAPERS TO HIM, OR EVEN FAXED THEM. SO HE WAS SURE SHE DIDN'T NEED HIM FOR THOSE. WAS SHE GOING TO GET MARRIED? EVEN THEN, IT'D BE A LITTLE ON THE CRUEL SIDE TO HAVE HIM FLY ALL THIS WAY JUST TO DEVASTATE THE POOR MAN. THERE WEREN'T MANY REASONS HE COULD IMAGINE THAT WOULD BRING HIM THIS FAR, BUT IN THE BACK OF HIS MIND, HE KNEW SHE DIDN'T NEED TO BE DESPERATE OR SICK OR IN NEED, IF SHE WANTED TO SEE HIM, HE'D GO. IT WAS PATHETIC OF HIM, REALLY, TO HAVE GONE THIS LONG IN THE SEPARATION, BUT STILL BE AT HER BECK AND CALL.
WHATEVER THE CASE MAY BE, JAMES WOULD FIND OUT IN A MINUTE OR TWO AS THE CAB ROLLED TO STOP IN FRONT OF THEIR HOME. STILL, THEIR HOME, AFTER ALL THIS TIME. HE RECALLED THE LAST TIME HE WAS THERE, FOUR OR SO YEARS AGO, A SMIRK CROSSING HIS LIPS, REMEMBERING WHAT HAD TRANSPIRED. THAT WAS UNLIKELY THE CASE NOW, BUT HE COULD ONLY HOPE. THANKING THE CABBIE, HE TOSSED A FEW DOLLARS HIS WAY AND SHOVED OFF TOWARD THE FRONT DOOR, HIS OXFORDS SPLASHING IN THE SHALLOW PUDDLES AS HE MADE HIS WAY UP THE WALK.
HE SAW THE DRAWN BLINDS RATTLE AGAINST THE WINDOW AND HE KNEW THERE WASN'T ANY REASON TO KNOCK, SO INSTEAD HE STOOD THERE, HANDS DEEP IN THE POCKETS OF HIS JACKET, FUMBLING WITH KEYS AND HIS PHONE, HOPING HE NEEDN'T WAIT LONG.
"JAMES, IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU." MUMBLED PIFFY AS SHE STOOD IN THE DOOR WAY, OFFERING A SOFT GRIN.
"YOU, TOO, PIFFY." HE MUMBLED, MIMICKING HER GRIN AS SHE ALLOWED HIM TO STEP INSIDE.
A LOT HAD CHANGED BY WAY OF DECOR IN THE HOME. WHILE CLEAN, IT LOOKED CLUTTERED, ITEMS TUCKED AWAY IN CORNERS SO NO ONE WOULD TRIP OVER THEM, BLANKETS AND PILLOWS ON THE FLOOR AND THE COUCH. SHE HAD EVEN PAINTED, IT SEEMED, OR AT LEAST WHAT HE COULD REMEMBER. A NAVY BLUE IN THE LIVING ROOM, CONTINUING INTO THE KITCHEN AND DOWN THE HALL. INTERESTING CHOICE, HE THOUGHT, ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING HE ALWAYS WANTED TO PAINT THE HOUSE THAT COLOR BUT SHE WOULD NEVER CAVE.
"OH," SHE EXCLAIMED, REALIZING WHAT A TERRIBLE HOST SHE WAS BEING, "WOULD YOU CARE FOR A DRINK?"
"UH, YEAH, I'LL TAKE A WATER." OUT OF SORTS FOR HIM, BUT HE NEEDED SOMETHING.
"A WATER IT IS. TAKE OFF YOUR COAT AND MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME, JAMES." IMMEDIATELY, PIFFY WINCED AT HER CHOICE OF WORDS, BUT LUCKILY FOR HER, JAMES IGNORED IT. HE DIDN'T NEED THE REMINDER.
IT TOOK HIM A MOMENT OR TWO, ONCE HE SAT ON THE LAZ-E-BOY IN THE LIVING ROOM, TO REALIZE WHAT HAD REALLY CHANGED IN THE HOUSE. THERE WERE CHILDREN'S TOYS IN A COLORFUL RACK, OPPOSITE OF HIM. DOLLS, BARBIES, A ROCK POLISHER. ONE THING WAS NOT LIKE THE OTHER, BUT HE SHRUGGED. KIDS WILL BE KIDS.
"UH, PIFFY, ARE YOU RUNNING A DAY CARE OR SOMETHING?" JAMES INQUIRED, HANDS CLASPED TOGETHER IN HIS LAP AS HE FORCED THE RECLINER TO SWIVEL TOWARD THE KITCHEN.
"THAT'S.. WH-WHAT," SHE STUTTERED, "I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT."
IMMEDIATELY, JAMES ROSE FROM HIS SEAT, SMOOTHED HIS SLACKS, AND STARTED TO COMB HIS FINGERS THROUGH HIS HAIR.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WHY, WHY WOULD YOU HAVE TO TALK TO ME ABOUT THAT?" HE ASSUMED, HOPING THAT IT WAS STILL A DAYCARE, BUT MAYBE SHE NEEDED HIS SIGNATURE FOR THE LICENSE. WHO KNOWS WHAT THE GOVERNMENT REQUIRES THESE DAYS.
"JAMES," SHE BLURTED LOUDLY, EVEN STARTLING HERSELF, BUT SHE TOOK A DEEP BREATH AND BEGAN AGAIN. "JAMES, I'M SORRY TO JUST COME RIGHT OUT AND SAY THIS BUT, YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER."
HIS LIFE FLASHED BEFORE HIS EYES. EVERY HAPPY AND MISERABLE MOMENT OF IT. HE SAW HIS CHILDHOOD AND THE TORTURE SET UPON HIM FROM HIS FATHER; HE SAW THE NIGHTS HE SPENT CURLED UP, SOBBING ON HIS SISTER'S COUCH WHEN HE'D RUN AWAY FROM HOME; HE SAW HIS MATES AND HIS BAND, THE CROWDS OF PEOPLE IN THE MOSH PIT BEFORE HIM; THE DAY HE MET PIFFY AND THEIR WEDDING DAY; HE SAW THE DAY HE LEFT HER; AND HE SAW THE LAST TIME HE HAD SEEN HER.
"SOD OFF!" HE EXCLAIMED, STEPPING BACK IN DISBELIEF, "ARE YOU TAKING THE PISS WITH ME?"
"NO, JAMES, I'M NOT. DO YOU REMEMBER, THE LAST TIME YOU HAD COME --" SHE PAUSED AS JAMES CUT HER OFF.
"YEAH, I REMEMBER. I REMEMBER. DID WE NOT USE? I MEAN, HOW COULD THIS? WHAT DOES STEPHEN HAVE TO SAY?" THERE WERE SO MANY THOUGHTS RUNNING THROUGH HIS MIND THAT HE COULD FEEL HIS ANXIETY RISING WITH HIS HEART BEAT.
"THAT.. THAT WAS LIKE FIVE YEARS AGO, PIFFY. WHAT IN THE BLOODY HELL TOOK YOU SO LONG TO CALL AND SHARE THIS INFORMATION WITH ME?" STILL IN DISBELIEF, JAMES' ANXIETY WAS NOW JOINED BY ANGER. THOUGH HE HAD NEVER WANTED CHILDREN AND NEVER THOUGHT HE'D HAVE ANY, HE WAS MORE ANGRY THAT SHE NEVER TOLD HIM THAN THE FACT THAT IT HAPPENED.
"I'M SORRY. I.. I WASN'T GOING TO TELL YOU, JAMES. I KNEW HOW YOU FELT ABOUT KIDS. BUT, SHE'S STARTING TO ASK AND I COULDN'T LIE TO HER. EVERY TIME SHE ASKED, SHE LOOKED ME IN THE EYE, AND ALL I COULD SEE WAS YOU." HER CHEEKS FLOODED RED AND THOUGH WHAT FELT LIKE IN SLOW MOTION, PIFFY REACHED OUT TO GRIP HIS SHOULDER. "I KNOW I SHOULD'VE TOLD YOU, IT WAS WRONG OF ME TO KEEP THIS FROM YOU, BUT SHE WANTS TO KNOW YOU AND I THINK YOU NEED TO KNOW HER AS WELL."
"I, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY, PIF. I NEED A SMOKE." AND HE STEPPED BACK, WAVING HIS HANDS IN FRONT OF HER FACE AND TOOK OFF OUTSIDE.
JAMES FUMBLED IN HIS POCKETS FOR HIS PACK AND TOOK THE FILTERED CIGARETTE BETWEEN HIS LIPS. HE GRUMBLED AT HIS LIGHTER, THE ONE THAT SEEMED TO BE MORE OF A FLAMETHROWER LATELY, AND GAVE IT A LOOK AS IF TO SAY 'NOT TODAY WITH YOUR SHIT' AS HE LIT IT. WHAT FELT LIKE THE LONGEST DRAG EVER, JAMES HELD IT FOR A MOMENT BEFORE EXHALING, POKING HIS FINGER THROUGH THE CLOUD OF TOXINS AND HE COULD FEEL HIMSELF ALREADY BEGINNING TO CALM DOWN.
"I HAVE A BLOODY KID," HE WHISPERED TO HIMSELF, PALMING OVER HIS MOUTH AS HE TOOK A SEAT ON THE STOOP. "HOW THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN?" OF COURSE HE KNEW HOW IT HAPPENED, BUT THE QUESTION WAS REALLY MORE OF A WHY.
AFTER A FEW MINUTES, JAMES PUT OUT HIS CIGARETTE AND FLICKED IT OUT TOWARD THE STREET. THE RAIN HAD TURNED TO MIST AND HIS HE WAS MILDLY WET, BUT NOT UNCOMFORTABLY SO. STEPPING BACK IN THE HOUSE, JAMES CAUGHT PIFFY'S GAZE AND HIS CHEEKS FLUSHED.
"SO, A DAUGHTER, HUH. WHERE IS SHE?" AS IF HE DIDN'T BELIEVE THAT SHE COULD PRODUCE THE YOUNG GIRL.
"SHE'S IN HER ROOM, DOWN THE HALL. HER NAME IS ROSE. SHE'S FOUR. DO YOU WANT TO MEET HER?"
"DO I WANT.. TO MEET HER? WELL OF BLOODY COURSE I WANT TO MEET HER! I'M NOT A COMPLETE ARSEHOLE."
"FOLLOW ME, THEN. AND KEEP THE DAMN CURSING TO A MINIMUM. I TRY NOT TO USE THAT LANGUAGE AROUND HER." SHE SAID AND MOTIONED FOR HIM TO FOLLOW.
QUIETLY, JAMES FOLLOWED HER AND NEARLY CRASHED INTO HER AS SHE ABRUPTLY STOPPED IN FRONT OF THE CHILD'S BEDROOM DOOR. A DOOR COVERED IN A ONE DIRECTION POSTER AND A POSTER OF UNICORNS, HE MADE A MENTAL NOTE IN AN ATTEMPT TO AID HIS MEMORY SO HE KNEW WHAT SHE LIKED, AND FROZE OUTSIDE THE DOOR AND PIFFY CONTINUED ON.
"ROSE," PIFFY WHISPERED, FLUFFING THE GIRLS LONG DIRTY BLONDE HAIR, "I HAVE SOMEONE HERE THAT WANTS TO MEET YOU."
AS THE TWO OF THEM TURNED TO FACE JAMES, WOULD STOOD STILL FROZEN IN THE DOORWAY, HIS HEART SKIPPED A BEAT AS THE SIGHT OF THE TWO OF THEM FELL UPON HIM. SWALLOWING THICKLY, HE MUSTERED UP THE WARMEST OF SMILES HE COULD AND STEPPED FURTHER INTO THE ROOM BEFORE TAKING A KNEE.
"HI ROSE, I'M JAMES," HE SPOKE SOFTLY, HOLDING OUT HIS HAND TO TAKE THE GIRLS.
"I KNOW, YOU'RE MY DADDY, AREN'T YOU. MUMMY TOLD ME THAT YOU'D BE COMING." THE GIRL TOOK HIS HAND AND GAVE HIS FINGERS A LIGHT SQUEEZE.
"I AM. I'M SORRY IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO GET HERE."
"IT'S OKAY. MUMMY TOLD ME YOU WERE OFF WORKING, BUT THAT YOU'D BE HERE ONE DAY."
JESUS, THIS GIRL WAS PERFECT. SO SWEET AND ADORABLE. A FINE MIX BETWEEN HER MOTHER AND HER FATHER. AND SHE WAS HIS OWN FLESH AND BLOOD. HE HAD NO IDEA THAT ANY OFFSPRING OF HIS WOULD BE SO DAMN PERFECT, BUT THERE SHE WAS.
"I WAS, BUT I'M HERE NOW."
"GOOD. MUMMY SAID WE COULD GO GET OUT FOR DINNER AND THAT I COULD SHOW YOU MY DOLLS. ARE YOU GOING TO LIVE WITH US?"
THAT WAS A QUESTION HE WASN'T PREPARED FOR, THOUGH IN REALITY, HE WASN'T PREPARED FOR ANY OF THIS.
"UHM, HOW ABOUT WE GET DINNER AND WE CAN TALK ABOUT THAT LATER, YEAH?" WAY TO FIND A WAY OUT OF THAT ONE, HE MENTALLY HIGH FIVED HIMSELF AND ROSE TO HIS FEET. HE LAID HIS HAND TO REST ON TOP OF THE YOUNG GIRL'S HEAD AS HE SHOT A GLANCE AT PIFFY.
"WE CAN TALK ABOUT IT LATER." SHE MOUTHED TO HIM AND HE NODDED. "HOW ABOUT WE GO GET THAT DINNER, HUH? I AM JUST FAMISHED!"
"DADDY," THE WORD FELL FROM THE GIRL'S LIPS SO EASILY, IT TOOK A MOMENT FOR JAMES TO REACT.
"YEAH, HONEY?"
"WOULD YOU GIVE ME A PIGGY BACK RIDE?"
"YEAH, OF COURSE."
MAYBE, JAMES THOUGHT, JUST MAYBE, THIS WHOLE FATHERHOOD THING WOULDN'T BE SO BAD AFTER ALL. HE JUST HOPED FOR HER SAKE, THAT SHE DIDN'T SHARE SOME OF HIS MORE LESS DESIRABLE PERSONALITY TRAITS.. OR SHARED NONE OF THEM AT ALL, JUST HIS LOOKS. HE COULDN'T IMAGINE DAMNING THE YOUNG GIRL FROM THE START.